Post by guy on May 29, 2014 23:33:02 GMT
It's a little known (and totally unsurprising) fact that almost every city and town on Quanas, Paresca, and Kapenja has a pub or bar called The Miners Arms. As do Quantar Core, Corridor and Tri-point Stations. Like most pilots, I've spent a fair amount of time in them and more than a little of that time working behind the bars myself. There's a common misconception that you have to be a good listener to work bar, but a thick skin and a relaxed attitude to danger has served me just as well. Listen or not, you hear some funny things in bars, better than half of them aren't supposed to be funny. A dark sense of humour helps too.
Badgers can't climb stairs As well as the usual crowd of regular customers and station ne'er-do-wells, three Octavian 'Flux hunters were in the bar on QC one night, fresh from their first successful run through Un-Regulated space. The alcove they occupied was one end of what seemed like a constant exchange of full for empty trays of beer. Their conversation was about as loud as you would expect from three highly strung excited, drunken pilots or just Octavians in general I guess. The loudest of all wore the rank bars of a Lieutenant, not that it means much when they can often be bought with second hand flight equipment. His two friends were so unremarkable they almost only seemed to be there as a sounding board for their leader.
Anyway, this Lieutenant was, with much hand theatre, demonstrating, loudly, the correct way to "engage a C20 with a superior kill shot envelope" or some such gubbins that inexperienced pilots use to impress their friends (which was undoubtedly concocted on a particulary embarrasing pod-ride home). As the pilot starts making really poor imitations of his and the 'Flux's weapons a rough old voice half coughed a single word...
"Bollocks"
All three pilot's heads snapped around to the source of a voice that grated like an asteroid along the side of your hull. In the darker corner of the bar sat an old grizzled man, Skin wrinkled like a walnut and almost mahogany in colour from too many hours spent outside the radiation shielding of his ship, as many miners do. When the choice is a quick on-the-spot fix or a round trip back to the station. A miner isn't making money if he's not sucking rocks.
"What did you say old man?" said the Lieutenant to Ned our resident Old Timer Miner.
"I said young fella, Bollocks, plain as you like" said Ned as he rose and carried his empty pint glass to the pilot's table and slid onto the end seat. "Now, if one of you young 'uns will see to a refill, i'll tell you about the most fearsome predator ever known to man"
The Lieutenant waved on of the table staff over as Ned sat forwards, folded his arms and leant, conspiratorially on the table.
"Did you boy's ever hear of The Quanas Badger?" He asked.
Three pilots exchanged glances and shook their heads as a fresh round appeared on the table. Ned took his fresh beer, sipped slowly and smacked his lips followed by a long drawn out ahhhh, "Better than a cold shower after a coronal gas mining run" he finished".
"Now," said Ned "on ancient earth the badger used to be known as The Land Shark"
"Really?" said the Lieutenant drily.
"The Romans built straight roads to protect their horses from badger attack" continued Ned.
"That's..." the lieutenant starts to look at Ned with disbelief.
"Love a bit of horse they do. Horses disappeared all over Ireland and you know how many badgers they had"
"...I...I..I..." stuttered the Lieutenant, clearly distressed.
"Of course, we're lucky badgers can't climb stairs" stated Ned.
"Uh, why?" asked pilot three.
"Because we would all be savaged in our sleep"
"But, that doesn't happen"
"Can't climb stairs see?" Ned replied with the manner of a man who has just scored a point, a good one.
"OK, what about people with ground floor dwellings?" asked the Lieutenant, who waved absently for another round.
"Deadlocks, never a badger born that could pick a quality deadlock"
"How about basement dwellers?" asked the Lieutenant with a strained expression.
"Never sleep underground, they can tunnel see?" replied Ned, smiling almost nastily.
"Hah," said the second pilot "What about high rise apartments?"
" Badgers are smart enough to use lifts, that's true." said Ned, "Why do you suppose they put the buttons so far up?..."
I swear, that's just the way it happened.
Anyway, this Lieutenant was, with much hand theatre, demonstrating, loudly, the correct way to "engage a C20 with a superior kill shot envelope" or some such gubbins that inexperienced pilots use to impress their friends (which was undoubtedly concocted on a particulary embarrasing pod-ride home). As the pilot starts making really poor imitations of his and the 'Flux's weapons a rough old voice half coughed a single word...
"Bollocks"
All three pilot's heads snapped around to the source of a voice that grated like an asteroid along the side of your hull. In the darker corner of the bar sat an old grizzled man, Skin wrinkled like a walnut and almost mahogany in colour from too many hours spent outside the radiation shielding of his ship, as many miners do. When the choice is a quick on-the-spot fix or a round trip back to the station. A miner isn't making money if he's not sucking rocks.
"What did you say old man?" said the Lieutenant to Ned our resident Old Timer Miner.
"I said young fella, Bollocks, plain as you like" said Ned as he rose and carried his empty pint glass to the pilot's table and slid onto the end seat. "Now, if one of you young 'uns will see to a refill, i'll tell you about the most fearsome predator ever known to man"
The Lieutenant waved on of the table staff over as Ned sat forwards, folded his arms and leant, conspiratorially on the table.
"Did you boy's ever hear of The Quanas Badger?" He asked.
Three pilots exchanged glances and shook their heads as a fresh round appeared on the table. Ned took his fresh beer, sipped slowly and smacked his lips followed by a long drawn out ahhhh, "Better than a cold shower after a coronal gas mining run" he finished".
"Now," said Ned "on ancient earth the badger used to be known as The Land Shark"
"Really?" said the Lieutenant drily.
"The Romans built straight roads to protect their horses from badger attack" continued Ned.
"That's..." the lieutenant starts to look at Ned with disbelief.
"Love a bit of horse they do. Horses disappeared all over Ireland and you know how many badgers they had"
"...I...I..I..." stuttered the Lieutenant, clearly distressed.
"Of course, we're lucky badgers can't climb stairs" stated Ned.
"Uh, why?" asked pilot three.
"Because we would all be savaged in our sleep"
"But, that doesn't happen"
"Can't climb stairs see?" Ned replied with the manner of a man who has just scored a point, a good one.
"OK, what about people with ground floor dwellings?" asked the Lieutenant, who waved absently for another round.
"Deadlocks, never a badger born that could pick a quality deadlock"
"How about basement dwellers?" asked the Lieutenant with a strained expression.
"Never sleep underground, they can tunnel see?" replied Ned, smiling almost nastily.
"Hah," said the second pilot "What about high rise apartments?"
" Badgers are smart enough to use lifts, that's true." said Ned, "Why do you suppose they put the buttons so far up?..."
I swear, that's just the way it happened.